The Wall Collapses

You create a wall around you
Till someone special comes along
Then your stuck what to do
Will they break your heart to

Do you take a chance
Or hide as you do
For a bit of romance
The wall creaks Boo

Creak turns to crack
Do you stay
Or turn your back
And run away

You take the chance
Let that special lass
In your life to dance
Never again to pass

She enters your life
Makes it so complete
Never any strife
Grinning wide as the street

The wall is gone
Your heart is over flowing
Perhaps for so long
You start singing

The wall is still there
For others you know
She is now inside there
Where you both show

Now she will stay
Never to leave
Your never feel like a stray
She helps you breathe

Your soul mate
Your very life
Arriving very late
maybe she will be your ****

Freak

You build your wall so high
Never let anybody in
It reaches the Sky
But could fit in the bin

You are that Freak
The one no one likes
They stare at your beak
Just wanting to bite

What they want to do
Without a doubt
Is just get at you
Cause they think your a lout

Some say nice stuff
Only because they think
As they call your bluff
Thinking your the missing link

All that you know
Is the outlook is bleak
You want to just go
Cause you know
YOUR A FREAK

today

Why is it when your fill up with tears there's no one to give you a hug. When they flow and you don't know why or really care why you never get noticed! You wonder why your still allowed to breathe! Cause you have no purpose, no job in life just sit and fester!

Reaper

Once you were told that you were inviting the grim reaper into your life. It was a silly thing to have been said at the time but damn I wish he'd hurry up and get here. Your life is full of crap, no one really wants to see or hear from you, including your kids. Why use all this energy and oxygen for such a useless. pointless life? Let the Reaper man come and do the world a huge favour. Prevent wasted Oxygen and send him here!

Why

Do people speak to you Why does anyone care Your life is like a Loo Filled with crap and despair If you had the nerve You'd end it all today why do you serve All those that ask You should be shunned By the world Never spoken to Just left to die One day your learn That no one really cares Your a useless Fat auld man That should never Have been born But left to die At Birth

OUTSIDER

When your left alone aged 9 then you start your life as an outsider. Everyone else has parents a mum and a dad but not you. You learn young to hide how your feeling, don't let anyone in that special close space. That's how you get hurt! They know when they get in and just wait to drop you from a great height to achieve the maximum amount of pain. So why let anyone in better keeping that space and staying where you can't get hurt. You grow up in school where after every break your asked what did you do with your mummy and daddy during the holidays. You are the OUTSIDER in the group. Even when you start, you feel like no one is interested in what you have to say. They seem to have new/different conversations when you arrive and when you leave. Then you start making phone calls and well can people see its you on the phone? You ask yourself cause no one seems to answer to your calls. You begin to wonder will life always be like this. You end up getting married but even then, you daren't let them all the way in, thats how you get hurt. You know the second you do they'll be like everyone else and run away. All this turns you into a guy who doubts everything about himself. It makes you question your very existence. You begin to wonder why people talk to you at all. Why do you matter to anyone because you don't matter to yourself. Its just get through another day. I mean when you family give up on you what else can you expect from anyone else!!!!!!!!! Your just one of those people no one likes! That will remain an outsider for all of their life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best day ever planned for!

You reach the ripe old age of being in your 50's. You've been married had kids and now have grandkids. You have a group of friends who you support every chance you get! Then one day it falls apart. You don't know what happened, you blinked and missed it. So what do you do? You plan for the day that matters to you. You plan for the day it will all end in the way you want it to! No one else will know, they can work out the hassle and BS after the event. You remember the past all those attempts to end things your way. All those thinking they were helping and not realising they were just extending this hell on earth for you. In your 50 plus years how many have been spent in tears? Probably over half of them. Why extend it any more? So how do you plan to make it stop? You must be miles from anyone stop them interfering. You must use a method that can't be undone. In a place you won't be stopped. You start by taking strange drives and walks alone away up in the hills and woods. No one thinks anything of it, your family just think its dad/grandad being mad again. Actually they rarely chat with you these days. To wrapped up in other things. You find the perfect spot surrounded by trees and at the edge of a cliff, not very hight but high enough. The nearest road is prob about 1 1/2 mls. away and that's a silly wee back road most folk never ever use. You need to prepare properly though. You must have it all prepared for your special day. There is the rope to buy, it must be capable of holding your great bulk without breaking. It must be able to take the strain of that sudden jolt to. A climbing rope would be best. You need to practice that knot, so it will be good enough and tighten properly. There is the date to consider as well, not near anyone's birthday or any festival/holiday thing you wouldn't want to ruin that for the future. The rope is bought and in place under a large old rock for safe keeping. The tree has been tested to make sure it will support your weight. All that's needed now is 2 things. 1) You need to stop having nights like last night where you talk yourself out of it. 2) You need to just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Friends or 1 friend to be precise do wonder why your staying up half the night. You can't tell them your planning your best day! They use their mind/imagination to create their own choices for what your doing and end up being cross with you. Wait till your day the will be so shocked and wonder what happened to him? Actually truth be told it was that person the one who noticed you were on-line half the night that stopped the eventual fulfilment of your special day last night. At least they noticed even if they did think you were up to no good. How can you tell them what you were really doing without causing them more pain?

worst bit

Actually know what is the worst bit about it all is having to write about it on here, no friends close enough to trust them with my feelings or none that want to hear about it all anyway. I mean today my daughter and 3 of my grandkids where meant to be here at lunch time and I have to phone and remind them to come for 1 of the kids birthday presents. Tells you what they think of their old grandad eh.

Depression and mental health

Been doing lots of thinking lately and realised something. The 1st time I saw a head shrink I was 7 yrs old, since then it has been something that has periodically happened throughout my life. The trigger, although people think its a quick/snap change, often takes years to come out. You actually become quite good at hiding the true state of your mental health. The speed other people see is the quick escalation when it comes to a head. This happens really quick and takes most people by surprise. Your mood goes through the floor, you become more aggressive or withdrawn dependant on who you are. With me this time I've withdrawn I've given up on most things and can't see an easy way out. I've tried to see my doc but guess what she's on 3 weeks holiday. I didn't even have the sense to ask if this was the 1st week or the 3rd. Shows how slow/dense the brain becomes. Something else that adds to that worthless feeling. When this happens usually it takes medication and time to solve. Not being able to see my doc is scaring me but hey will get there just take bit longer. I thought my faith might have stopped things getting this bad, perhaps its the way life is for me anyway. Struggle from 1 bout of misery to another accompanied by as many abusive arse holes as I can find to fit into it. That might sound a bit strong but when no one has been to ask how I am, no one has phoned or text to ask then when its mentioned to a member of family what's there response? Oh is dads belly still sore. Great to feel loved eh

Suicide

The thought starts as a simple question. Is this what my life is? It progresses to a more in depth sense of who would even miss me? Then you remember the years of abuse, was that your fault? Did you really choose that to happen to you? Well it went for a while but now its back with a vengeance. It must be something about ME. I must be wanting this to happen, you think. Then your brain goes on a downward spiral. You tell yourself that you mean nothing to no one. Otherwise they would notice the difference in your mood and temper. Those people that should know me, Don't! They ignore me, they don't ask how are you, they don't say what you up to. Why? Because they know as you do now that your worthless, you achieve nothing in your life and never will. Your still the wee freak you thought you were all them years ago. Folk say its the cowards way! Have they tried it? I doubt it, I have. If situation was different. I'd already have tried again. Life holds us In unusual ways We want to run Be free from it all Responsibilities woah so rough Wish I could just go To that tree I selected Jump over them rocks and let it all GO

Death

We hide from you. Why? I welcome him. Bring it on. Save me the trouble. Let it all end New life begins With nothing ordained Just a clean sheet. No more abuse Imagine it No more vile foul language Never happen though Right now I feel Like a dead man Not even walking Just being

Mum

Mum I miss you so
It's been 44yr
Still makes me feel so low

You left us so young
Our life had just started
When yours was all done

Ian and Lorna were taken away
They left us no time
Not even a day

My heart has been breaking
Over all of these years
Sometimes I fell like leaving
Life

Please return to my life
The hole there to fill
Even if it's just to bring strife

Copyright Roy Thomson 12/6/2011

Open your arms to the sky
Let your mind stay open
Never say goodbye
When your heart's closed
Open it up to all of those
Who wish you well, and
Are friends to your soul!


Copyright @ Roy Thomson 12/6/2011

Walking in the rain

Walking in the rain
Is wonderfull n free
Relieving all our pain

You start thinking
Woah am I right
What am I thinking

As we stretch
Our legs, we
Ease our angst

Then we realise
That all our pain
Has been ever so eased

The rain has washed
Our pain away
We are no longer lost

Invisible walls

Our life is ruled by walls
When we're young they are physical
As we grow they are changing

As a child the walls of our life
are those of our house, our pram
they are controlled by others

As we grow up they are still controlled by others
But are more spiritual, more metaphorical
They still enclose our life's, close us in

They restrict who we are, who we associate with
They rule our very soul at times
Making us limit our growth and sense of achievement

Then out of the blue, comes someone so true
They expand our hearts, our souls,
Our being till we explode, and bring down those walls

They let us express who we are truly
They allow us to be who we were meant to be
They are the one person we should share our life's with

Then we can build a wall around us both
Not caring if we grow or expand
We are happy to be with our soul mate always


copyright@ Roy Thomson 10/6/2011

GRAVEDIGGER Poem

Holes to be dug
and your certain
To find a bug

You'll be covered in muck
Just be
Not to get stuck

Use all your boards
making sure they
Don't catch the cords

Dig it quick
to ensure the
Box doesn't stick

The family will be here
Saying goodbye
To someone so dear

They sing songs of praise
Then shuffle away
somewhat in a daze

You fill it all in
Leaving it like
No one has bin

Pleased with your job
Homeward you plod
With hardly a sob


(Copyright) Roy Thomson 27/5/2011

Now

Just wanted to say sorry I have missed a few days here and my other 2 blogs just got so much to sort out in my head it's taking me a wee while eh.

Self Destruct (2nd poem)

We all have one
Pressure needed
Less than a ton
Never bleeded

We push to start
Sit back and watch
It blow our life
To bits and pieces

Never do we think
We just yell
There she blows
Wait on the blast

When things are looking great
This is not our life
We just can't wait
What happened to the strife

You know your to blame
But that won't stop
You just the same
Wait for the plop

Life's trials may come and go
But you and destruction
Will never slow
It's another interruption

To your continual slide
Into the depths of
No believe no pride
Let it go soon PLEASE

Garth part 6 (fiction)

Alwin

Alwin had been here for what felt like seconds sometimes and forever other's. When she first arrived it had terrified her. The feeling of all those fibrous tendrils crawling over her skin then entering her body until finally they became part of her brain, her conscious being. Now she could feel the power of the natural for many miles around, every blade of grass, flower, leave, tree and all those animals including the local Indians filled her with such joy and feeling of such power. Thinking this would be her life Alwin had given up hope of ever communicating with another person. She wasn't even sure she could speak any more.

When she saw the tall man settle down against the tree over the valley she had assumed it was a local come to survey nature as they did daily. Just sitting taking in the view all the wonderful aspects of nature in her many colours. These Paiute Indians had such a reverence for the natural world that was the main reason Alwin had settled into this life of observation as quickly as she had. They spent so much time respecting their natural surroundings, yes they did kill but only to survive and never for reasons of pleasure or just plain evil nature of so many that would arrive in the future.

Now she could tell this young man was going through what she had all that time ago and wanted so much to ease the pain he felt. Remembering how it felt had brought back her short period of hatred for all this beauty surrounding her. Would he want to speak? Could they speak? She needed to find out.


How to approach him without making it worse was the issue she had been dealing with since realisation dawned on her what was happening. Not having a name to call him and not knowing if he spoke the local language or some other tongue was a worry.

This tree that had taken her into itself had been here for 1000's of years, General Sherman as it was known had been around since before the Hymalayian mountains were formed. The knowledge in him from the natural world was second only to some very old pine trees higher up the slopes, they had seen so much less though being so far away from the majority of the beauty of this valley. She could see the smaller tree that had chosen this very lucky man across the valley.

The lovely meadow between them was looking awesome as you can see, did he realise how lucky he was and how much he would learn so quickly?

writing

The best thing about writing fiction is-

When life is being real nasty to you, no matter if its your own fault you can lock yourself away in a world where you control everything. It's blissful!!!