Depression and mental health

Been doing lots of thinking lately and realised something. The 1st time I saw a head shrink I was 7 yrs old, since then it has been something that has periodically happened throughout my life. The trigger, although people think its a quick/snap change, often takes years to come out. You actually become quite good at hiding the true state of your mental health. The speed other people see is the quick escalation when it comes to a head. This happens really quick and takes most people by surprise. Your mood goes through the floor, you become more aggressive or withdrawn dependant on who you are. With me this time I've withdrawn I've given up on most things and can't see an easy way out. I've tried to see my doc but guess what she's on 3 weeks holiday. I didn't even have the sense to ask if this was the 1st week or the 3rd. Shows how slow/dense the brain becomes. Something else that adds to that worthless feeling. When this happens usually it takes medication and time to solve. Not being able to see my doc is scaring me but hey will get there just take bit longer. I thought my faith might have stopped things getting this bad, perhaps its the way life is for me anyway. Struggle from 1 bout of misery to another accompanied by as many abusive arse holes as I can find to fit into it. That might sound a bit strong but when no one has been to ask how I am, no one has phoned or text to ask then when its mentioned to a member of family what's there response? Oh is dads belly still sore. Great to feel loved eh

Suicide

The thought starts as a simple question. Is this what my life is? It progresses to a more in depth sense of who would even miss me? Then you remember the years of abuse, was that your fault? Did you really choose that to happen to you? Well it went for a while but now its back with a vengeance. It must be something about ME. I must be wanting this to happen, you think. Then your brain goes on a downward spiral. You tell yourself that you mean nothing to no one. Otherwise they would notice the difference in your mood and temper. Those people that should know me, Don't! They ignore me, they don't ask how are you, they don't say what you up to. Why? Because they know as you do now that your worthless, you achieve nothing in your life and never will. Your still the wee freak you thought you were all them years ago. Folk say its the cowards way! Have they tried it? I doubt it, I have. If situation was different. I'd already have tried again. Life holds us In unusual ways We want to run Be free from it all Responsibilities woah so rough Wish I could just go To that tree I selected Jump over them rocks and let it all GO

Death

We hide from you. Why? I welcome him. Bring it on. Save me the trouble. Let it all end New life begins With nothing ordained Just a clean sheet. No more abuse Imagine it No more vile foul language Never happen though Right now I feel Like a dead man Not even walking Just being

Mum

Mum I miss you so
It's been 44yr
Still makes me feel so low

You left us so young
Our life had just started
When yours was all done

Ian and Lorna were taken away
They left us no time
Not even a day

My heart has been breaking
Over all of these years
Sometimes I fell like leaving
Life

Please return to my life
The hole there to fill
Even if it's just to bring strife

Copyright Roy Thomson 12/6/2011

Open your arms to the sky
Let your mind stay open
Never say goodbye
When your heart's closed
Open it up to all of those
Who wish you well, and
Are friends to your soul!


Copyright @ Roy Thomson 12/6/2011

Walking in the rain

Walking in the rain
Is wonderfull n free
Relieving all our pain

You start thinking
Woah am I right
What am I thinking

As we stretch
Our legs, we
Ease our angst

Then we realise
That all our pain
Has been ever so eased

The rain has washed
Our pain away
We are no longer lost

Invisible walls

Our life is ruled by walls
When we're young they are physical
As we grow they are changing

As a child the walls of our life
are those of our house, our pram
they are controlled by others

As we grow up they are still controlled by others
But are more spiritual, more metaphorical
They still enclose our life's, close us in

They restrict who we are, who we associate with
They rule our very soul at times
Making us limit our growth and sense of achievement

Then out of the blue, comes someone so true
They expand our hearts, our souls,
Our being till we explode, and bring down those walls

They let us express who we are truly
They allow us to be who we were meant to be
They are the one person we should share our life's with

Then we can build a wall around us both
Not caring if we grow or expand
We are happy to be with our soul mate always


copyright@ Roy Thomson 10/6/2011