today

Why is it when your fill up with tears there's no one to give you a hug. When they flow and you don't know why or really care why you never get noticed! You wonder why your still allowed to breathe! Cause you have no purpose, no job in life just sit and fester!

Reaper

Once you were told that you were inviting the grim reaper into your life. It was a silly thing to have been said at the time but damn I wish he'd hurry up and get here. Your life is full of crap, no one really wants to see or hear from you, including your kids. Why use all this energy and oxygen for such a useless. pointless life? Let the Reaper man come and do the world a huge favour. Prevent wasted Oxygen and send him here!

Why

Do people speak to you Why does anyone care Your life is like a Loo Filled with crap and despair If you had the nerve You'd end it all today why do you serve All those that ask You should be shunned By the world Never spoken to Just left to die One day your learn That no one really cares Your a useless Fat auld man That should never Have been born But left to die At Birth

OUTSIDER

When your left alone aged 9 then you start your life as an outsider. Everyone else has parents a mum and a dad but not you. You learn young to hide how your feeling, don't let anyone in that special close space. That's how you get hurt! They know when they get in and just wait to drop you from a great height to achieve the maximum amount of pain. So why let anyone in better keeping that space and staying where you can't get hurt. You grow up in school where after every break your asked what did you do with your mummy and daddy during the holidays. You are the OUTSIDER in the group. Even when you start, you feel like no one is interested in what you have to say. They seem to have new/different conversations when you arrive and when you leave. Then you start making phone calls and well can people see its you on the phone? You ask yourself cause no one seems to answer to your calls. You begin to wonder will life always be like this. You end up getting married but even then, you daren't let them all the way in, thats how you get hurt. You know the second you do they'll be like everyone else and run away. All this turns you into a guy who doubts everything about himself. It makes you question your very existence. You begin to wonder why people talk to you at all. Why do you matter to anyone because you don't matter to yourself. Its just get through another day. I mean when you family give up on you what else can you expect from anyone else!!!!!!!!! Your just one of those people no one likes! That will remain an outsider for all of their life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best day ever planned for!

You reach the ripe old age of being in your 50's. You've been married had kids and now have grandkids. You have a group of friends who you support every chance you get! Then one day it falls apart. You don't know what happened, you blinked and missed it. So what do you do? You plan for the day that matters to you. You plan for the day it will all end in the way you want it to! No one else will know, they can work out the hassle and BS after the event. You remember the past all those attempts to end things your way. All those thinking they were helping and not realising they were just extending this hell on earth for you. In your 50 plus years how many have been spent in tears? Probably over half of them. Why extend it any more? So how do you plan to make it stop? You must be miles from anyone stop them interfering. You must use a method that can't be undone. In a place you won't be stopped. You start by taking strange drives and walks alone away up in the hills and woods. No one thinks anything of it, your family just think its dad/grandad being mad again. Actually they rarely chat with you these days. To wrapped up in other things. You find the perfect spot surrounded by trees and at the edge of a cliff, not very hight but high enough. The nearest road is prob about 1 1/2 mls. away and that's a silly wee back road most folk never ever use. You need to prepare properly though. You must have it all prepared for your special day. There is the rope to buy, it must be capable of holding your great bulk without breaking. It must be able to take the strain of that sudden jolt to. A climbing rope would be best. You need to practice that knot, so it will be good enough and tighten properly. There is the date to consider as well, not near anyone's birthday or any festival/holiday thing you wouldn't want to ruin that for the future. The rope is bought and in place under a large old rock for safe keeping. The tree has been tested to make sure it will support your weight. All that's needed now is 2 things. 1) You need to stop having nights like last night where you talk yourself out of it. 2) You need to just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Friends or 1 friend to be precise do wonder why your staying up half the night. You can't tell them your planning your best day! They use their mind/imagination to create their own choices for what your doing and end up being cross with you. Wait till your day the will be so shocked and wonder what happened to him? Actually truth be told it was that person the one who noticed you were on-line half the night that stopped the eventual fulfilment of your special day last night. At least they noticed even if they did think you were up to no good. How can you tell them what you were really doing without causing them more pain?

worst bit

Actually know what is the worst bit about it all is having to write about it on here, no friends close enough to trust them with my feelings or none that want to hear about it all anyway. I mean today my daughter and 3 of my grandkids where meant to be here at lunch time and I have to phone and remind them to come for 1 of the kids birthday presents. Tells you what they think of their old grandad eh.

Depression and mental health

Been doing lots of thinking lately and realised something. The 1st time I saw a head shrink I was 7 yrs old, since then it has been something that has periodically happened throughout my life. The trigger, although people think its a quick/snap change, often takes years to come out. You actually become quite good at hiding the true state of your mental health. The speed other people see is the quick escalation when it comes to a head. This happens really quick and takes most people by surprise. Your mood goes through the floor, you become more aggressive or withdrawn dependant on who you are. With me this time I've withdrawn I've given up on most things and can't see an easy way out. I've tried to see my doc but guess what she's on 3 weeks holiday. I didn't even have the sense to ask if this was the 1st week or the 3rd. Shows how slow/dense the brain becomes. Something else that adds to that worthless feeling. When this happens usually it takes medication and time to solve. Not being able to see my doc is scaring me but hey will get there just take bit longer. I thought my faith might have stopped things getting this bad, perhaps its the way life is for me anyway. Struggle from 1 bout of misery to another accompanied by as many abusive arse holes as I can find to fit into it. That might sound a bit strong but when no one has been to ask how I am, no one has phoned or text to ask then when its mentioned to a member of family what's there response? Oh is dads belly still sore. Great to feel loved eh

Suicide

The thought starts as a simple question. Is this what my life is? It progresses to a more in depth sense of who would even miss me? Then you remember the years of abuse, was that your fault? Did you really choose that to happen to you? Well it went for a while but now its back with a vengeance. It must be something about ME. I must be wanting this to happen, you think. Then your brain goes on a downward spiral. You tell yourself that you mean nothing to no one. Otherwise they would notice the difference in your mood and temper. Those people that should know me, Don't! They ignore me, they don't ask how are you, they don't say what you up to. Why? Because they know as you do now that your worthless, you achieve nothing in your life and never will. Your still the wee freak you thought you were all them years ago. Folk say its the cowards way! Have they tried it? I doubt it, I have. If situation was different. I'd already have tried again. Life holds us In unusual ways We want to run Be free from it all Responsibilities woah so rough Wish I could just go To that tree I selected Jump over them rocks and let it all GO

Death

We hide from you. Why? I welcome him. Bring it on. Save me the trouble. Let it all end New life begins With nothing ordained Just a clean sheet. No more abuse Imagine it No more vile foul language Never happen though Right now I feel Like a dead man Not even walking Just being