Best day ever planned for!

You reach the ripe old age of being in your 50's. You've been married had kids and now have grandkids. You have a group of friends who you support every chance you get! Then one day it falls apart. You don't know what happened, you blinked and missed it. So what do you do? You plan for the day that matters to you. You plan for the day it will all end in the way you want it to! No one else will know, they can work out the hassle and BS after the event. You remember the past all those attempts to end things your way. All those thinking they were helping and not realising they were just extending this hell on earth for you. In your 50 plus years how many have been spent in tears? Probably over half of them. Why extend it any more? So how do you plan to make it stop? You must be miles from anyone stop them interfering. You must use a method that can't be undone. In a place you won't be stopped. You start by taking strange drives and walks alone away up in the hills and woods. No one thinks anything of it, your family just think its dad/grandad being mad again. Actually they rarely chat with you these days. To wrapped up in other things. You find the perfect spot surrounded by trees and at the edge of a cliff, not very hight but high enough. The nearest road is prob about 1 1/2 mls. away and that's a silly wee back road most folk never ever use. You need to prepare properly though. You must have it all prepared for your special day. There is the rope to buy, it must be capable of holding your great bulk without breaking. It must be able to take the strain of that sudden jolt to. A climbing rope would be best. You need to practice that knot, so it will be good enough and tighten properly. There is the date to consider as well, not near anyone's birthday or any festival/holiday thing you wouldn't want to ruin that for the future. The rope is bought and in place under a large old rock for safe keeping. The tree has been tested to make sure it will support your weight. All that's needed now is 2 things. 1) You need to stop having nights like last night where you talk yourself out of it. 2) You need to just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Friends or 1 friend to be precise do wonder why your staying up half the night. You can't tell them your planning your best day! They use their mind/imagination to create their own choices for what your doing and end up being cross with you. Wait till your day the will be so shocked and wonder what happened to him? Actually truth be told it was that person the one who noticed you were on-line half the night that stopped the eventual fulfilment of your special day last night. At least they noticed even if they did think you were up to no good. How can you tell them what you were really doing without causing them more pain?

worst bit

Actually know what is the worst bit about it all is having to write about it on here, no friends close enough to trust them with my feelings or none that want to hear about it all anyway. I mean today my daughter and 3 of my grandkids where meant to be here at lunch time and I have to phone and remind them to come for 1 of the kids birthday presents. Tells you what they think of their old grandad eh.

Depression and mental health

Been doing lots of thinking lately and realised something. The 1st time I saw a head shrink I was 7 yrs old, since then it has been something that has periodically happened throughout my life. The trigger, although people think its a quick/snap change, often takes years to come out. You actually become quite good at hiding the true state of your mental health. The speed other people see is the quick escalation when it comes to a head. This happens really quick and takes most people by surprise. Your mood goes through the floor, you become more aggressive or withdrawn dependant on who you are. With me this time I've withdrawn I've given up on most things and can't see an easy way out. I've tried to see my doc but guess what she's on 3 weeks holiday. I didn't even have the sense to ask if this was the 1st week or the 3rd. Shows how slow/dense the brain becomes. Something else that adds to that worthless feeling. When this happens usually it takes medication and time to solve. Not being able to see my doc is scaring me but hey will get there just take bit longer. I thought my faith might have stopped things getting this bad, perhaps its the way life is for me anyway. Struggle from 1 bout of misery to another accompanied by as many abusive arse holes as I can find to fit into it. That might sound a bit strong but when no one has been to ask how I am, no one has phoned or text to ask then when its mentioned to a member of family what's there response? Oh is dads belly still sore. Great to feel loved eh

Suicide

The thought starts as a simple question. Is this what my life is? It progresses to a more in depth sense of who would even miss me? Then you remember the years of abuse, was that your fault? Did you really choose that to happen to you? Well it went for a while but now its back with a vengeance. It must be something about ME. I must be wanting this to happen, you think. Then your brain goes on a downward spiral. You tell yourself that you mean nothing to no one. Otherwise they would notice the difference in your mood and temper. Those people that should know me, Don't! They ignore me, they don't ask how are you, they don't say what you up to. Why? Because they know as you do now that your worthless, you achieve nothing in your life and never will. Your still the wee freak you thought you were all them years ago. Folk say its the cowards way! Have they tried it? I doubt it, I have. If situation was different. I'd already have tried again. Life holds us In unusual ways We want to run Be free from it all Responsibilities woah so rough Wish I could just go To that tree I selected Jump over them rocks and let it all GO

Death

We hide from you. Why? I welcome him. Bring it on. Save me the trouble. Let it all end New life begins With nothing ordained Just a clean sheet. No more abuse Imagine it No more vile foul language Never happen though Right now I feel Like a dead man Not even walking Just being